As the only vegetarian in my family, I often get tired of defending my food choices to other family members. I didn’t realize how often the subject is
actually discussed until one day around, when I picked up my six-year-old, Jordan, from school. His class had made chickens using potatoes and paper

Jordan proudly presented his to me, announcing excitedly, “Mom, we finally have the kind of meat even you can eat!”

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

First Words

My son crawled for the first time while I was away on exercises. I also missed Harry’s first steps and was afraid an upcoming course would cause me to
miss his first words. Each day, I called home and asked if he had spoken yet. The answer was always “no” until my wife said Harry had something to say
to me. “Daddy, daddy,” I heard over the phone, and glowed with pride. My wife came back on the line and said, “You should come home as soon as

“Why?” I asked.

“Harry was speaking to the dog.”

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Episode 100: Using Persuasion to Reduce Opioid Addiction

Scott Adams tells you how the field of persuasion has advanced since the days of Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no” campaign against drugs. Can we persuade young people to stay away from opioids? I suggest one approach that could work.

The post Episode 100: Using Persuasion to Reduce Opioid Addiction appeared first on Dilbert Blog.

Dilbert Blog

Babs Clones Her Dogs, Dern Goes ‘Pew,’ & More Celebrity News

By T. S. Obiech,Scott Laffey,Andrés Diplotti  Published: March 20th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

5 Real People Who Lived Crazy Double Lives (And Succeeded)

By Wes Corwin,Tiago Svn,E.M. Caris,Greg Tuff,Andrea Meno  Published: March 20th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Quotes About Money

The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy
weekly payments. – Mad Magazine

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. – Frank Hubbard

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. – Jack Yelton

I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money. – Pablo Picasso

Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does. – Jane Austen

The rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you. – Katherine Whitehorn

Never work just for money or for power. They won’t save your soul or help you sleep at night. – Marian Wright Edelman

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. – Robert Frost

A penny saved is a penny earned. – Benjamin Franklin

Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. – Norman Vincent Peale

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. – Samuel Butler

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all. – Eleanor Roosevelt

If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy. – Proverb

Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time. – Jim Rohn

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping. – Bo Derek

Received from FranCMT2.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

4 Creepy Ways Everyday Life Is Turning Into Sci-Fi

By Nick J.,James Kinneen,Tiago Svn,E.M. Caris,Peter I. Santiago  Published: March 19th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Getting Out of Jury Duty

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Rookie Landing

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, “We’d like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot.
He’ll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop.”

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant’s voice came over the intercom, “Thanks for flying with us. And don’t forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Two Women Archeologists

Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.

Says one: “We don’t seem to be having much luck.”

The other replies: “Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!”

Received from FranCMT2.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Lucky Charms, Unlucky Frogs, And Other Weird News You Missed

By T. S. Obiech,Scott Laffey,Andrés Diplotti  Published: March 13th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

6 Reporters Who Didn�€™t Do The Research (And Paid The Price)

By James Kinneen,E.M. Caris,S.S.A  Published: March 12th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Texas Justice

Arlington, TX (AP) – A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Tarrant County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with
child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys
Football Team [GCFL: replace with your least favorite team], whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Received from Becky Day.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Biology Class Final Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk,’ worth 70
points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always the right temperature.

4. It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote…

7. It comes in 2 cute containers.

He got an A.

Received from Becky Day.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

5 Video Game Adaptations That Totally Missed The Point

By Rani Baker,Jacopo della Quercia,Adam Koski,Mike Bedard,E.M. Caris  Published: March 10th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Bus Problems

A bus load of retired ladies and gentlemen were enjoying themselves and the three day trip into Wisconsin. Everything was working fine on the guided
tour right up into the second day when the bus driver told tour guide that the plumbing fixture on the bus was not working right, even after he had
tried to have it repaired in a nearby garage.

The young tour guide was hard pressed to explain to her group, in a way that would not offend anyone, what to do about the problem. She was hemming
and hawing when one of the group spoke up and said in a voice easily heard throughout the bus, ” Coffee but no donuts”.

Received from Don Shutters.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

United Nations Food Survey

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

Received from Steve Sanderson.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

A Blonde’s Year in Review

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels….. Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer!!!

Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. Box said ‘ 2-4 years!’

Trapped on escalator for hours … Power went out!!!

Tried to make Kool Aid…..wrong instructions…. 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

Tried to go water skiing……. Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

Lost breast stroke swimming competition….. Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

Got locked out of my car in rain storm…… Car swamped because soft-top was open.

The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it???

Hate M & M’s….. They are so hard to peel.

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days …. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

Couldn’t call 911. ‘Duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!

Received from Janice Beasley.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Peele, Phoenix, Pryde, And Other Breaking Hollywood News

By T. S. Obiech,Scott Laffey,Andrés Diplotti  Published: March 06th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Racism Today?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days… ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, “In what aisle
could I find the Polish sausage?” The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy (clearly offended) says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I
had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “Well, no, I probably wouldn’t!”

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

Received from Becky Day.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Move the Car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience
shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone’s way?”

“No,” Cal replied, “it’s at the wrong address.”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Things I Have Learned About Gun Control

One of the positive side-effects of the Trump administration is that citizens are far more informed on the issues than at any time in my memory. The public seems to be getting into the details on a lot of topics lately. Gun control is a great example. I consider myself under-informed on that topic, but improving daily, as are most of you who follow the news. And I thought it would be useful for some of you to compare your views on the topic to where I’ve evolved so far.

What follows is my public confession of ignorance on the topic. I will list the things I believe to be true, while asking readers to fact-check me. I’ll modify my list as corrections come in.

In no particular order, here’s what I think I know.

Gun control works. If it didn’t work, the Vegas shooter and the Florida school shooter would have used fully-automatic weapons and killed far more people. The one-time mass shooters are clearly using the most lethal weapons they can get without too much friction. Fully-automatic weapons are expensive, less available, and can create a paper trail with purchase. That’s evidently enough friction to make them not the weapon of choice. Therefore, the existing gun controls on fully-automatic weapons seem to work.

Professional criminals can always get weapons. But they are not the topic of most gun control conversations for that very reason.

States with tight gun control have lower gun violence. But those states are also blue states. The obvious correlation here is that liberals vote for gun control no matter how many or how few problems the state experiences. The state-to-state comparisons do not tell you if gun control works.

Comparing gun ownership in the United States to other countries is more misleading than illuminating because no two situations are alike. The United States isn’t Switzerland and it isn’t Japan.

Chicago has strict gun control and yet it has high gun violence. But that doesn’t tell you gun control doesn’t work. It might tell you Chicago is a blue (liberal) city with a gun violence problem. But that’s all it tells you. We can’t know if Chicago would have even greater problems without the existing gun laws.

Gun ownership is a safeguard against the government turning on citizens. While the professional military will always have overwhelming firepower compared to citizens, private guns would instantly be turned on the unprotected assets and family members of anyone involved in a coup attempt. That’s a safeguard.

The NRA opposes universal background checks for gun purchases because it creates a list of gun owners that would be useful for a government that might want to later confiscate guns. Yet the NRA itself is a list of gun owners, in effect. And any gun owner who buys a weapon, ammo, gun accessories, or uses a gun range is discoverable by their credit card or check purchases. If you subscribe to Guns & Ammo magazine, or visit gun websites, or say pro-gun things on social media, that’s discoverable too. So 98% (just a guess) of gun owners are already discoverable by the government.

There’s probably no practical way to effectively regulate or ban private person-to-person gun sales. But you could pass a law putting some liability (say a $ 10,000 fine for example) on the private seller in case the gun is used by the buyer for a crime within, let’s say, one year. Under this scenario, you also want to have legal ways to privately sell guns without the liability risk. That could include buying a one-year surety bond, or selling the gun to a licensed dealer. Just brainstorming here.

Gun owners worry about a slippery slope from background checks to gun confiscation. But with hundreds of millions of guns already in circulation, and a gun culture in our DNA, we already have Mutually Assured Destruction if the government were to attempt confiscation. The government itself would fall within a week, in my opinion. I judge the slippery-slope-to-confiscation argument to be a real risk, but a smaller risk than just about any other risk the country routinely discusses.

Politicians and citizens often refer to AR-15 rifles as assault weapons, or assault rifles. But a more accurate description, by far, would be “defensive weapon.” I would imagine that for every 10,000 AR-15 sales, perhaps one nut is buying for actual assault purposes. The rest are for sport shooting and defense. Words matter in political conversations.

According to at least one ER doctor who has seen many gunshot wounds, the high-velocity rounds of an AR-15 will explode organs and make wounds unsurvivable, whereas the typical lower-velocity handgun wounds often leave cleaner holes that can be less lethal. This generality assumes most handguns don’t have special rounds that could also explode organs. And distance from target makes a difference, I hear.

Gun owners say handguns are just as effective as AR-15s for mass shootings. This is clearly untrue for special cases such as the Vegas event where shooting distance was a variable. And I would expect human psychology to favor AR-15s for any “make me famous” killings such as the recent school tragedy. I hate to say it, but a military-looking weapon is going to be more appealing, and feel more dominant, for such killers. It would also be an advantage over police on the scene if the first responders had only handguns and shooting distance is a factor. So while it is true that handguns can produce mass casualties, and have, it is also probably true that access to AR-15s raises the risk of mass shootings and the death count too. No one can estimate how much of a real difference it would make. My best guess is “some,” but a small improvement might be enough to matter.

Gun owners say gun control doesn’t work because any law can be skirted. You can’t plug all of the holes in the system. But gun control doesn’t attempt to plug every hole. It attempts to add some useful friction in places that might improve things by 2%, for example. When it comes to life and death, small improvements count.

Some people tell me there are already universal background checks in the law (and therefore existing lists of gun buyers) but I assume that system is incomplete or we wouldn’t be discussing it. I could use some fact checking there.

If universal gun background checks are objectionable to the NRA, would a no-buy list also be objectionable? A no-buy list also carries the risk of identifying legal gun buyers simply because you have to do a search with the buyer’s name to know if he or she is on the no-buy list. But maybe we could mitigate that risk by designing a system that automatically sends a thousand random names of real people with every query so the government can’t tell who the search was for. The gun store owner would get back only the no-buy names from the thousand, in alphabetical order, so it would be easy to check if the customer in front of you is one of them. Or perhaps the gun story owner can see a list of no-buy people in the buyer’s zip code so no query with the buyer’s name is ever used. Just brainstorming here. Might be other solutions that are better.

I will correct and update this list as I learn more on the topic. How close is my understanding to yours? Let me know in the comments or on on Twitter at @ScottAdamsSays.

I started a Patreon account so my audience can influence my content — via micro-donations as low as one dollar.

Writing about persuasion and politics reduced my income by about 30-40% because of tribal effects. I took that risk with full understanding of the outcome because I thought it was worth educating the public on what they were witnessing.

Patreon funding will persuade me to express my opinions as often as practical without worrying about the sensibilities of sponsors, advertisers, or corporate bosses. I appreciate all of you who are making this happen.




The post Things I Have Learned About Gun Control appeared first on Dilbert Blog.

Dilbert Blog

How to Criticize a Political Opponent Using List Persuasion

I’m seeing a lot of “list” journalism now that is designed to paint President Trump in a negative light. The power of the list is that the more items on the list, the more persuasive it looks, even if the items are weak. Here’s a good example.

If you want to create a persuasive political attack list, be sure to include the following elements in various combinations.

  • Situations that could turn out bad but probably won’t
  • Imperfect situations that aren’t terribly important
  • A rumor that would be bad if  it were true, but probably isn’t true
  • Words such as “stunning” and “death match” to convey badness without reasons
  • A misinterpretation of what your target said or meant
  • Intentional omission of relevant context including any positives
  • Expert opinions that the candidate who won the presidency with no political experience and had one of the best first years of any president (for conservatives) doesn’t know how to do things
  • Opinions based on mind-reading, such as “He only cares about one thing!”

The power of the list is that while each item is unimportant, false, overblown, or an obvious misinterpretation of intent, the sheer quantity of items makes it persuasive nonetheless. A list of five criticisms is better than three, and ten is better than five. It doesn’t much matter how solid any of the items are when viewed in isolation. Readers will remember the size of the list more than the items on it.

You see this method used with the Russian collusion narrative. Any one item on the list would mean little or nothing. It only looks persuasive because of quantity plus confirmation bias. Critics will chirp “With so much smoke, there must be fire!” But of course the critics and political enemies created the smoke, not the targeted politician.

I am often criticized for praising effective persuasion and leaving out the ethical dimension. I’ll do it again right here because I trust you to apply your own moral filter. I’m only here to tell you what works and what doesn’t. And this attack-list method totally works. President Trump isn’t the only persuader in the game. His opponents, collectively but not individually, have a great game too. Is their persuasion ethical and moral? I trust you to make that judgement without my assist.

I know most of you bristle at the thought that “the ends justify the means.” So don’t think of it that way. Think of it as benefits exceeding costs. And by that I mean I would lie to a terrorist to save your child’s life. I hope you would do the same for me.

We live in an imperfect world. It doesn’t help to pretend otherwise.

I started a Patreon account so my audience can influence my content — via micro-donations as low as one dollar.

Writing about persuasion and politics reduced my income by about 30-40% because of tribal effects. I took that risk with full understanding of the outcome because I thought it was worth educating the public on what they were witnessing.

Patreon funding will persuade me to express my opinions as often as practical without worrying about the sensibilities of sponsors, advertisers, or corporate bosses. I appreciate all of you who are making this happen.


The post How to Criticize a Political Opponent Using List Persuasion appeared first on Dilbert Blog.

Dilbert Blog

The Chauffeur

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions
about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture. The philosopher agreed
and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, “Is the
epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”

“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

5 Celebrities Who Did Crazy Scummy (And Underreported) Stuff

By E. Reid Ross,E.M. Caris,Greg Tuff,Michael Battaglino  Published: February 28th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

The Sergeant

“Well,” snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. “I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you’ll just be waiting for me to
die so you can come and spit on my grave.”

“Not me, Sarge!” the private replied. “Once I get out of the Army, I’m never going to stand in line again!”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

6 Real-Life Stories Way Crazier Than Any Movie (Part 2 of 2)

By James Kinneen,Ed Stevens,E.M. Caris,Dan Hopper,Molly Khan  Published: February 27th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Circle Stand

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over. When he did, the
driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not
move. He then went to Ron’s new car and cut up the leather seats.

When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.

“Oh, you think that’s funny?” the trucker asked, “Watch this.” He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car.

When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face.

This drove the driver into a rage. He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing. The truck driver really started to lose
it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he
almost fell down.

“What’s so funny?” The truck driver asked him.

Ron replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times.”

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Farts, Flu, Friendship, And Other Breaking Health News

By T. S. Obiech,Scott Laffey,Andrés Diplotti  Published: February 27th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

The 5 Saddest Attempts By Celebrities To Hang On To Fame

By E. Reid Ross,E.M. Caris,Jordan Breeding  Published: February 26th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Tax Collector

Tax collector: It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.

Taxpayer (grinning widely): Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!

Received from Steve Sanderson.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

VIP Impression

My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would
be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, “Here they come!” fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and
blew every fuse in the building.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

5 Shocking Laws Modern Countries Had Until A Few Years Ago

By Alex Perry,Andrea Meno,Roman Odarenko  Published: February 24th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Can Humans and Computers Mate and Have Babies?

Can humans have sex with machines and create digital offspring? Almost. Here are the components you need:

  • The computer needs artificial sex organs to serve as the “input” from a human male. We have that technology already. There are artificial male and female sex toys that seem to get the job done.
  • The computer needs to analyze the DNA of the human mate. That technology exists, but it will get more advanced in terms of figuring out what kind of humans come from what kinds of DNA.
  • Once the computer has analyzed the DNA sample, it adds its own digital DNA (conceptually speaking) and creates a simulated baby that lives in the “mother’s” computer software while it continues to learn from outside sources.
  • Someday, when the simulated baby is sufficiently educated, it can be freed from the mother computer’s “womb” and be ported to an actual robot that represents the mother’s “DNA,” in a conceptual sense, combined with the father’s human DNA. Remember, computers “evolved” as did humans. Any robot will be the result of that human-aided evolution. In other words, an advanced space alien could probably look at human technology samples and deduce which ones came earlier and which ones are the more evolved versions.

Humans are the result of more than DNA. We become who we are through experience as well. The human-computer offspring would be no different. To the father, the child would perhaps remind him of himself but the simulation would have different life experiences informing its pattern-recognition circuitry. You would not end up with a copy of the father any more than you would if he cloned himself in a biological way and raised a baby with identical DNA. Experiences plus DNA make us who we are. The robot would be its own person.

There you have it. Humans can literally have sex with machines and produce robot babies. Most of the parts you need for that to happen already exist. It just doesn’t exist in a packaged form. At least not yet.

I started a Patreon account to fund — via micro-donations as low as one dollar — the expansion of my Periscope content on the topic of persuasion, usually about politics. Step One involves converting my Periscope videos into audio-only podcast form for greater reach. (Almost ready on that.) That work is in progress. I’ll work on topic indexes next, and perhaps topic summaries in text form. YouTube is a lower priority because fans already post my Periscopes there. At some point I might do that myself.

Patreon funding will motivate me to express my opinions as often as practical without worrying about the sensibilities of sponsors, advertisers, or corporate bosses. I appreciate all of you who are making this happen.

The post Can Humans and Computers Mate and Have Babies? appeared first on Dilbert Blog.

Dilbert Blog

Baby Help

Nancy’s nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.

His little face scrunched and said, “How does the baby get out of there?”

She wanted to keep it simple so she said, “The doctor will help.”

His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, “You’ve got a doctor in there, too?”

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Burial Rites

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep
into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man
liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the
local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the
rest of your life?”

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and you know men won’t ask for directions.”

Received from Janice Beasley.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Good Natured Bible Jokes

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Received from FranCMT2.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

What if the News Reported Only Facts?

The common view we see from the mainstream media is that President Trump is a monster and there is no doubt about it. In support of that view, they offer plenty of evidence. And by evidence, I mean they hallucinate they can read minds.

Pundit creates news by reading minds

One of the biggest illusions of life is that we humans are good at deducing the inner thoughts of both strangers and loved ones based on observing their actions. The truth is that we are terrible at knowing what others are thinking. We just think we are good at it. No one is good at it. No one.

Need proof of that claim?

Think about the last disagreement you had with a romantic partner. There’s a high likelihood that one of you was incorrectly interpreting the thoughts of the other. And a big cause of that wrongness is the illusion that people make decisions based on one variable. We don’t. Our decisions are based on lots of variables — so many, in fact, that often we are not entirely aware of why we make our own decisions, much less why others do.

The business model of the news media has moved away from hard reporting and toward punditry and opinion. Viewers enjoy opinion-driven content and it costs a lot less to produce than hard news. And that means the news industry has moved from factual reporting to — for all practical purposes — some form of imaginary mind reading to fill the hours.

I’ll need some examples to make my point. Below I will imagine how several headline stories about President Trump could have been reported factually without the mind reading. I include the mind reading interpretations for contrast.


  • Factual Report: Donald Trump exploited doubts within the Republican base about President Obama’s birth certificate to gain a political advantage. This is a common political tactic. Candidate Trump used the same strategy against Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada but is an American citizen.
  • Mind Reading: We can read Trump’s inner racist mind and we know the real reason he was involved with birtherism is to send a silent dog whistle to the racists in the Republican party.

Some illegal Mexican immigrants are criminals and some are not

  • Factual Report: Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President with a speech in which he noted that some illegal immigrants from Mexico are criminals.
  • Mind Reading: Candidate Trump secretly believes all Mexicans are rapists. We know that to be true because he said “some” illegal immigrants from Mexico he assumes are “good people.” That is a clear sign that he is thinking no one from Mexico is a good person, even though “some” is not an indication of percentage.


  • Factual Report: President Trump said there were “fine people” on both sides of the Charlottesville protests. When asked to clarify if that meant the racists with tiki torches were fine people, the President clarified that he disavowed that group and was talking about non-racists who might have been there to support keeping historical Civil War statues that many believe are offensive.
  • Mind Reading: Even though President Trump clarified that he disavows the racists, we can read his inner thoughts and it is clear he thinks racists are fine people because he knows he is one.

KKK Disavowal

  • Factual Report: In a CNN interview with Jake Tapper, candidate Trump did not take the opportunity Tapper repeatedly gave him to denounce the KKK and David Duke. President Trump said he had some audio problems and didn’t hear the question properly. He clarified the next day that he does disavow the KKK and David Duke, as he has several times in the past.
  • Mind Reading: President Trump is secretly fond of the KKK and David Duke and was sending a secret dog whistle to racists. That’s why he refused to disavow them until he was badgered into it. But his disavowals were dishonest because he secretly supports them.

Judge Curiel

  • Factual Report: Candidate Trump employed a common legal strategy by questioning the objectivity of the judge for the Trump University trial. The strategy was a solid one because it biased the judge to rule favorably for Trump to avoid the appearance of bias. As it turned out, the judge scheduled the trial for after the election, which was unnecessarily generous to Trump. A more normal schedule would have put the trial before election. The potential bias Trump called out was that because of his immigration plan, Trump was deeply unpopular with Americans of Mexican heritage. Lawyers routinely consider that sort of potential bias.
  • Mind Reading: Trump is racist against people with Mexican heritage and believes they can’t be good judges.

Shithole Countries

  • Factual Reporting: In a non-public meeting with other politicians, President Trump used strong language (shithole countries) to question why our immigration policies allow in so many people from economically disadvantaged countries instead of economically advanced countries such as Norway.
  • Mind Reading: President Trump called black and brown countries “shitholes” because he is a racist.

My interpretation of what we all have watched for the past two-and-a-half years is that the anti-Trump media created the “monster” version of Trump based on mind-reading punditry. Factual reporting would not have created that impression in the public’s mind. The public had to be primed, and it had to be reminded every day by the mind-reading pundits that Trump was a monster.

The mind-reading pundits have done a horrible disservice to the country, although I suspect most were operating under the illusion they can accurately read the mind of strangers. And in one of the most successful persuasion plays in history, the anti-Trump media pinned the blame for rising racial tensions on Trump. To be fair, he made it easy. Even I graded him an F in race relations. But not because I can read his mind. I just think he could have done a lot more to persuade-away the Trump-monster illusion created by his detractors.

I started a Patreon account to fund — via micro-donations as low as one dollar — the expansion of my Periscope content on the topic of persuasion, usually about politics. Step One involves converting my Periscope videos into audio-only podcast form for greater reach. That work is in progress. I’ll work on topic indexes next, and perhaps topic summaries in text form. YouTube is a lower priority because fans already post my Periscopes there. At some point I might do that myself.

Patreon funding will motivate me to express my opinions as often as practical without worrying about the sensibilities of sponsors, advertisers, or corporate bosses. I appreciate all of you who are making this happen.

The post What if the News Reported Only Facts? appeared first on Dilbert Blog.

Dilbert Blog

President’s Day

/* Disclaimer: This joke is equally funny regardless of who is in office at the time. It is not meant to apply to the current or any specific
President. */

I was eating lunch on the 18th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, “What day is tomorrow?”

He said, “It’s President’s Day!” He is a smart kid.

I asked, “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

He replied, “President’s Day is when the President steps out of the White House. If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose…

Received from Gayle Marie.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

5 Insanely Important Jobs (We’re Running Out Of People For)

By Dwayne Hoover,Michael Garowee,T.W. Thinker,Dibyajyoti Lahiri  Published: February 19th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts


The following was overheard at a recent “high society” party.

“My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great,” said Christine.

She then turned to Miriam and asked, “How far back does your family go?”

“I don’t know,” replied Miriam, “All of our records were lost in the flood.”

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Sunday Service

During the school year, the public library where I work is open on Sunday afternoons. Signs posted around the library read, Sunday service available
1:30-5:00, September-June. One day a woman was returning some books when she noticed one of these signs.

“Oh, you have Sunday service now?” she asked me.

“Yes, from 1:30 to 5:00, September through June,” I explained. “I see,” she said. “And what denomination is it?”

Received from Sermon_Fodder.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

The Right Card

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A
birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”

The boy shook his head and answered, “Got any like a blank report card?”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

The Charlottesville Fake News Was the Best Persuasion Play of the Past Year

Now that some time has passed, and emotions have subsided a bit, I can tell you about the best persuasion play of the past year. The credit goes to the anti-Trump media. They convinced much of the world that the President of the United States referred to a bunch of racists with tiki torches in Charlottesville as “fine people.”

What President Trump did say is that some “fine people” were at the event. I see only two ways to interpret that statement. One interpretation is completely ordinary and the other is batshit crazy. The batshit crazy interpretation is the one the anti-Trump media persuaded you is the real one. They would have you believe that the President of the United States publicly and unabashedly sided with self-labelled racists who were chanting anti-Jewish slogans. We are asked to believe President Trump took sides with the anti-semitic chanters despite having a Jewish daughter, Jewish grandkids, Jewish son-in-law, and several Jewish top advisors. We also know President Trump is so popular in Israel that they are considering naming a train station after him. And Netanyahu gets along with President Trump great. Probably has something to do with President Trump’s decision to move the American embassy to Jerusalem.

Amazingly, the anti-Trump media successfully persuaded half the public in this country that President Trump intentionally and publicly took sides with racists who have intense hatred for his family and close advisors. President Trump clarified soon after his first statement on Charlottesville that he disavowed the racists. But the haters didn’t believe it. They were locked in their hallucination bubble.

Let’s compare two interpretations of President Trump’s “fine people” statement.

Batshit Crazy Interpretation: President Trump is so dumb, and so racist, that he decided to publicly side with racists against his own family and his closest advisors. And yet, while being so dumb, he somehow succeeded in multiple fields and became President of the United States with no prior experience. This interpretation also requires that Israel, his family, and his closest advisors are so dumb that they haven’t noticed how racist President Trump is against them.


Totally Ordinary Interpretation: President Trump assumed there were some non-racist Republicans at the event for their own reasons, such as supporting historical landmarks, or supporting free speech no matter how awful it is. And he was right, although there were not many of them. Here’s a clip of some “fine people” who were in attendance. They say they like free speech and they hate racists.

We all know President Trump has a track record of speaking out on a variety of topics without having all the details. That’s one of the few things that both his supporters and his detractors can agree on. So compare the hypothesis that he decided to side with racists against the interests of his own family, in public, while President, to the hypothesis that he thought (correctly) that some non-racist Republicans were also in attendance.

Which of those two versions of events seems most likely to you?

Is it even close?

Man tries to distinguish an apple from a banana and fails

I don’t blame the public for falling for this well-orchestrated persuasion scheme by the anti-Trump media. Their collective persuasion on this point has been solid. Lately, the people opposing Trump simply list Charlottesville as one of the many “proofs” of his racism, as if no further explanation is needed. I can’t tell if the pundits believe their own interpretations or if they simply think the public will. It would look the same.

I propose a test to see if anti-Trump news professionals and pundits who consider Charlottesville as proof of President Trump’s racism will commit to their positions in public. You can test this at home with your Trump-hating friends. Simply print out my blog post and ask them to read the two interpretations I listed and ask them to tell you which one seems most likely. If your subject tries to change the topic, you have your answer.

I predict that 100% of people who believe President Trump called racists “fine people” will change the subject as soon as you make them read the two competing interpretations of events in close proximity. That’s your tell.

And if you want to rub it in, ask your Trump-hating subjects if they believe President Trump would NOT have pursued the birther issue against a white opponent if the opportunity had been the same. Remind your subject that President Trump uses every weapon available to him, all the time, no matter what. He not only accused Ted Cruz of being born in Canada but he suggested Cruz’ father might have been in on assassinating Kennedy.

I tested the birther argument today on Twitter when a critic brought it up. He changed the subject.


I started a Patreon account to fund — via micro-donations as low as one dollar — the expansion of my Periscope content on the topic of persuasion, usually about politics. Step One involves converting my Periscope videos into audio-only podcast form for greater reach. That work is in progress. I’ll work on topic indexes next, and perhaps topic summaries in text form. YouTube is a lower priority because fans already post my Periscopes there. At some point I might do that myself.

Patreon funding will motivate me to express my opinions as often as practical without worrying about the sensibilities of sponsors, advertisers, or corporate bosses. I appreciate all of you who are making this happen.

The post The Charlottesville Fake News Was the Best Persuasion Play of the Past Year appeared first on Dilbert Blog.

Dilbert Blog

The Computer Repairman Song

To the tune of “Chiquita Banana” jingle

I’m the computer repairman and I’ve come to say
that your computer will not be running today.
I’m singing this song to remind you all
to backup your computer before it takes a fall.

The problem might be the motherboard or maybe in the file store
but where the files were, I’m afraid they’re not there anymore.
So remember to backup your computer everyday
if it’s important to you in any way.

by “Average Joe”

Received from Tom.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Space Cars, Xenomorphs, And Other Weird News You Missed

By T. S. Obiech,Scott Laffey,Andrés Diplotti  Published: February 13th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts

Russian Dressing

“You name it, we’ll make it!” Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!”

“Excuse me sir,” said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad with Russian dressing.”


“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.”

Two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his shirt.

Received from Steve Sanderson.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

5 Beloved Games That Have Secret Terrifying Backstories

By James Kinneen,Tiago Svn,Abraham Mireles  Published: February 12th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts


We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the
procedure would be performed.

“Dad,” our teenager asked, “how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?”

Without hesitation he quipped, “They’re going to give you a phone.”

Received from Pastor Tim.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Letter to My Dog

Copyright 2003 W. Bruce Cameron

Dear Dog:

Since you seem to have so much trouble processing the English language no matter how loudly it is spoken to you, I thought perhaps I could communicate
with you more effectively if I wrote down my thoughts.

First, please allow me to assure you that you are not starving. In fact, if the newspapers bothered to publish a canine version of those irritating
“body-mass indices” that my daughter so delights in reading aloud to me, I’m sure we would discover that you’ve got far more waddle in your walk than
is strictly necessary. The way you visually track every bite of food I take, with a trembling expression of frantic pleading, is most annoying.

Speaking of walks: We’ve been taking the same route around the same block for nine years. For you to sob, whine, and tremble every time I get out your
leash is just crazy.

And would you please stop rolling in road kill? Dead animals smell like…well, like dead fish. There is a reason I give you a bath every single time
you roll in something–it is NOT a coincidence.

Here’s a news flash: Our next-door neighbors LIVE THERE. They have a right to be in their own yard! Stop barking at them through our windows! Your
crazed fury is especially irritating in view of the fact that when you actually encounter them in person you flop on your back and let them rub your
tummy. As a guard dog, you’re about as intimidating as a gerbil.

The following are not digestible: Balloons. Crayons. Socks. I can show you evidence out in the yard. Stop eating them; they are not food!

I do not mind rolling down the window for you when we are in the car. I don’t even mind that the air rushing up your nostrils makes you sneeze. What I
do mind is that you always pull your head into the car to share your sneeze with the back of my neck. Keep your head in or out, that’s all I ask.

Our front door is three inches of solid wood; you cannot tunnel through it. Stop clawing! Don’t we always let you out when you need to go?

The bushes in the back yard cost a lot of money, but there is nothing of value hidden under them. Stop digging for buried treasure! The stuff in the
trash can is not your food. Oh, and your expression of shocked innocence when we accuse you of dining at the garbage buffet is not nearly as
persuasive as the forensic evidence left strewn around the kitchen. Stop blaming the cat; she doesn’t eat anything that costs less than a dollar an

Oh, and speaking of the cat, just because she gets to sleep on the bed doesn’t mean that you do too. Did you think we wouldn’t notice all the dog fur
on our bedspread when we got home?

And another thing: I do not wake up at the same time every day! On days we don’t work, we’re allowed to sleep past our normal waking time. Stop
licking my face because your internal clock says it is time for breakfast. Don’t dogs DO weekends?

Look, you do make me crazy sometimes. But I suppose I have to admit that even though you’re lazy (you probably won’t even bother to read this letter!)
and don’t seem very bright, you do have your positive attributes. You’re the only one in the family who will get up and pace with me in front of the
window when it’s past curfew and my teenage daughter is parked in the driveway with her date. You’re the only one who likes my cooking, and you share
my opinion that we don’t need a cat. After nine years of living with you, I suppose life just wouldn’t be the same without you.

Wanna go for a walk?

Received from Timothy Anger.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Reader’s Digest

Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, “Can you
deliver it filled with water?”

Stunned, I replied, “Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!”

After a short pause, she said, “Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?”

Received from Reader’s Digest.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Won’t Sell to You

One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TVs. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, “I would like to buy
this TV.”

The clerk replied, “Sorry, I don’t sell to blondes.”

So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, “I would like to buy this TV.”

Again, the clerk answered, “Sorry, I don’t sell to blondes.”

Puzzled, the blonde asked, “How did you know I was a blonde?”

The clerk replied, “Because that is a microwave.”

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Venom, Nukem, And Everything Else Going On In Hollywood

By T. S. Obiech,Scott Laffey,Andrés Diplotti  Published: February 06th, 2018 

Cracked: All Posts


A Wife’s definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together.

Try to remember that, with the exception of your parents and your children, most people will consider you an adult.

The world is divided into haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not.

My husband and I married for better or worse… He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.

When the letters on a page begin to thrash about and attack each other, it’s probably time to turn off the light and go to sleep.

Received from Joke du Jour.
The Good, Clean Funnies List

Mrs. Right

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”

John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”

George: “So what are you looking for?”

John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper. She’s got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality and
money. She’s got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn’t hurt either.”

George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!”

John: “Oh, it’s okay, if she is crazy.”

Received from Clean Laffs.
The Good, Clean Funnies List