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Women Initiate Divorces More Than Men, But Not Breakups, Study Suggests

Women are more likely than men to utter the words, “I want a divorce” — but women and men are equally likely to initiate a non-marital breakup, according to a new study. 

Michael Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University, examined data from Stanford’s 2009-2015 How Couples Meet and Stay Together project, a nationally representative longitudinal study of relationships and breakups. Rosenfeld looked at 2,262 adults, ages 19 to 94, who had opposite sex partners in 2009. By 2015, 371 of these people had split up or gotten divorced. 

While breakups between unmarried couples were gender neutral – men were just as likely as women to initiate them — when it came to divorce, Rosenfeld found that wives initiated 69 percent of splits, compared to 31 percent of men.

“Women’s tendency to initiate divorce was well known but the gender neutrality I found for non-marital breakups was not, because previous surveys never bothered to ask people who wanted the breakup in non-marital relationships,” Rosenfeld told The Huffington Post.

That’s an important consideration, Rosenfeld said, because social scientists previously argued that women were more likely to initiate divorce simply because they were more sensitive to relationship difficulties. If that were true, women would initiate divorce and breakups at equal rates — but Rosenfeld found that wasn’t the case. 

 That distinction may have something to do with how women feel about marriage in general. According to Rosenfeld’s analysis, not only are women more inclined to end a marriage, they’re also less satisfied while married. Married women reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men, he found. In contrast, unmarried women and men reported equal levels of relationship quality. 

So what is it about marriage that leaves women less satisfied and more likely to walk away? Rosenfeld told HuffPost that the findings give credence to the feminist idea that some women feel stifled and oppressed by heterosexual marriage. 

“It supports the theory that sociologists refer to as ‘the stalled gender revolution,‘  meaning that as much as women’s roles in society have changed, women’s roles within the families have changed very slowly,” he said, citing husband’s expectation for wives to do the bulk of the housework and childcare, even when both spouses work. 

Rosenfeld’s findings were presented at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association over the weekend.  Read the full study here. 

More from HuffPost: 

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Divorce – The Huffington Post

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Women Handle Breakups Differently Than Men, Suggests Study

Academic studies can be fascinating… and totally confusing. So we decided to strip away all of the scientific jargon and break them down for you.

The Background
After studying romantic relationships for over 30 years, biological anthropologist Helen Fisher concluded, “We humans are soft-wired to suffer terribly when we are rejected by someone we adore.” Nowhere is this more apparent than in breakups. Countless songs, poems, books and movies have been inspired by them, and researchers like Fisher have spent decades trying to nail down romantic rejection. But if heartbreak is both universal and specific, can we narrow down the experience according to gender? Researchers from Binghamton University and University College London recently conducted a study to find out

The Setup
The study was based on an online survey of 5,705 English-speaking men and women from 96 different countries. The average age was 27. In the survey, participants were asked about their romantic relationship history. Questions about breakups included: Have you experienced a breakup? How severe was the breakup for you emotionally? Who do you feel initiated the breakup? What sort of physical responses did you experience as a result of the breakup?

Then, participants were asked to rate their responses to breakups on a scale from zero (none) to 10 (unbearable).

The Findings
Unsurprisingly, breakups were pretty common, with 75 percent of participants reporting the experience. Women tended to take breakups a bit harder, reporting significantly higher levels of emotional responses than men. They also showed a higher “fear” response and experienced unwanted weight loss or gain after a breakup more often.  

But things evened out a bit when it came to how men and women assessed their own responses to heartbreak — both sexes averaged a seven out of 10 when asked to rate the intensity of their breakups. Plus, it’s not like the women were left helplessly flailing — more often than not, they were the ones initiating the breakups (something research has found time and again). “Lack of communication” was the most common reason for splits.

The Takeaway
Clearly, these findings are huge generalizations and may only apply to the people in this particular sample. Still, it’s interesting that women tended to not only feel the impact of a breakup more acutely, but they were also the ones who really thought about the state of their relationships and made decisions to change things in their lives for the better. That kind of agency is actually pretty empowering for women. Not to mention, allowing yourself to emote without shame or judgement isn’t such a bad thing, either — that’s how people grow and learn from their experiences. 

At the end of the day, isn’t connecting with people and, you know, feeling things the point of it all? Just make sure you’re equipped with some of that aforementioned breakup music.

Also on HuffPost:

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Divorce – The Huffington Post

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Celebrity Break-ups and the Predictable Fallout

2015-07-10-1436500967-5828845-LoveisbeingstupidtogetherbyNattu.jpg
Photo by Natto on Flickr.

A couple of Hollywood divorce announcements have made headlines recently.

Predictable fallout in the social media communities has commenced. We’re collectively disappointed: If they can’t make it, nobody can! What does marriage even mean anymore? I totally saw that coming…he’s been _________ing all over the place…

We’re making assumptions and estimations, which is normal. We’re curious. It’s our nature.

Love is so much more complex, though. Especially when we’re talking prolonged periods, like ten years or longer. People can change dramatically. And if the other half of the relationship is unwilling or refuses to meet their end of the bargain, sometimes what’s best is to part ways.

I’ve heard the argument that they should stay in it for the children, citing the statistical analyses of single-parent homes not being proved adequate. Personally I think that’s a crock. There are just as many messed up homes with couples that remain married. And is staying together miserable a preferable option?

Not if freedom, self-expression, and happiness are at the top of anybody’s list.

Divorce rates are as high as they are for a reason. Every relationship is not going to last forever. Things change unpredictably far too often, and none of us can see the future or the end result of it. That being said, we can always make the choice to stay if we deem it in the best interest of all. But there has to be merit to that decision; it takes two to maintain a healthy, satisfying relationship.

It takes work.

When we enter a relationship to marry, most of us commit with that lifelong intent underlying our decision. But during the interim, people discover things about themselves that they didn’t know going in. Sometimes the discoveries they make send them in a completely different direction than originally intended.

It can sting, particularly when one party is still madly in love with the other. Although I must argue that if both people are being 100 percent honest with themselves, they’re going to pick up on the other person’s feelings when things aren’t going so well. When you live with a person for so many years, you can feel stuff like that.

But often, we don’t pay attention to the other person’s needs or feelings. Hell, most of us aren’t catching on to our own feelings about what we want out of life, about what constitutes happy or satisfied. If we can’t even articulate what any of that means for us internally, we’re certainly not able to meet the other person’s needs, regardless of our marital status.

Why do we feel the need to judge others when we see their marriage deteriorate? Are they failures? Or perhaps more successful at navigating the winds of change than we’re comfortable with?

Question everything.

I highly doubt that all the commenters on the social media celebrity bashing train are living the marital dream, or any dream for that matter. If their lives were so fabulous, why would they be wasting time obsessing about a celebrity?

It’s easy to fixate on celebrity. Takes far more commitment and effort to study the essence of healthy relationships, processing our emotions, going after our dreams, creating the ideals we long for.

Is it so incomprehensible that we should spend time focusing on what truly matters?

None of us are getting out of here alive. We are choosing to emphasize things that absolutely do not matter in the long run, trading our empowerment for endless chatter. It frustrates me tremendously. This is not to say that marriage itself does not matter, or that true love is a thing of the past.

The obsession toward celebrity, staged relationships, and make-believe connections with people we don’t know in the slightest? That’s the problem. Instead of squeezing the juiciness out of our own lives, we live vicariously through magazines and social media.

We should be living our best life, whatever that means for us personally.

In full disclosure, I’ve enjoyed a few train wrecks in my day. I’ve purchased celebrity mags, watched some Jersey Shore and even Real World (admittedly it’s been a while). But I’ve never viciously contributed to the comments, trolling and attacking and obsessing. I was more preoccupied with figuring out my own life, and what I wanted it to look like now, and out five, ten, twenty years.

Photo by B Rosen on Flickr.

2015-07-10-1436503426-8318709-ThenextchapterbyBRosen.jpg

As to my long-term relationship, we’ve had to work for it.

Love and marriage aren’t concepts I take lightly. I fully intend to be with this man for the rest of my life. I’ve had to make that choice during some pretty rough periods we’ve encountered over the years.

It takes being conscious together, open communication, and awareness about what we both want out of life.

If down the road we awaken to the fact that one of us wants something completely different from what we thought initially, there’s a possibility we could part ways.

We’re open and honest enough with one another to acknowledge that fact; neither of us wants the other to be dishonest or unhappy just to maintain something that’s dying. Sometimes aspects of our past (and relationships) must be laid to rest so that something new can be born.

And if you’re currently on the denial train to Celebrity Land, I encourage you to disembark now. Say goodbye to vicarious living and hello to your life.

— This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.



Divorce – The Huffington Post

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What We Learn From Break-Ups

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Are they really the end, or are they the beginning to understanding more and more of what we want and need?

Break-ups are never easy. They aren’t the actual closure to your feelings and thoughts towards your ex. Rather, break-ups are the point in time when we must deal with our own feelings, our own sadness, our own ideas of love and what we want.

Tears are shed. Honest conversations with ourselves are had. Waves of happy to ok to completely heartbroken flow in the most elegant and eerie ways, and crash like the harshest of surfs.

From your keys, to a subway stop, to waking up alone, everything reminds you of the person you shared so much with.

Music sounds somber. Colors lose a slight bit of brightness. Touch is completely removed. Food is less exciting. Smells only remind you more of the person you no longer call yours.

This thing called a break-up is made even harder when one person has not done anything immensely wrong. It is simply a difference of the minds, of the hearts, of the souls. A love tank empty, a heart broken, an intertwined spirit unraveled.

There are many different scenarios that lead to break-ups, but one thing is certain, the love doesn’t just disappear. You may do the breaking-up, or you may be the one broken-up with, but if the love was real, neither side of this lackluster coin feels like “winning.”

You shared couches, meals, memories. You became each other’s best friend, confidant, partner. You enhanced each other’s comfort, ease, understanding. You started to build a life, introduced family, talked about the future. This person was not your everything, but rather the missing piece.

Then things changed.

The thoughtfulness, the acts of love, the communication all got lost in translation, or simply never arrived. You start to feel the exact opposite of how this person originally made you feel. Your happiness fades. Your eyes tire from tears. You know this simply is not working.

You’ve tried different ways to make yourself heard. You’ve made changes. You’ve done work.

You’ve given hints. You’ve been explicit. You’ve done it all.

It would be easier if someone had done something awful, but the truth is nothing makes this easier. Anger only masks the pain and sadness that eventually comes. You wish things had been different, but wishing only makes wishes. Actions hadn’t been employed, and you are left with a heavy heart, not a heart-happy one.

You think back to the times it was magic, and it only makes it sadder.

You could be immature and negative, but it gets you no where, so you choose to honor the love you had, respect the time you spent together, and think of a future when maybe, just maybe, you and your ex can be friends.

Break-ups are not the end, nor are they the beginning. They are simply a time in your life that you must allow yourself to be present with some of your deepest feelings; feelings that surround your own happiness and ultimate life.

We must understand that if there was true love present then we were gifted one of the greatest pleasures of life.

We’re not to speak poorly, focus on the bad times and leave that time in our lives in a box. We’re meant to take the things we learned from that person, and cherish them, so that we may continue to grow. We shall plant a seed deep inside of us with that person’s name so that a tree of knowledge can grow from the things we learned. We must honor the relationship, the good times, the love, so that we may ultimately honor ourselves.

Break-ups suck, but what sucks more is hating someone you once loved.

Allow time to take its course. Allow for breathing room to be felt. Allow for the universe to direct your destiny.

While break-ups are one of the hardest times in our lives, they’re also a time to realize who you really are, so keep your head up, buttercup.

Remember it will all be okay. Give it time, and remember you have a beautiful life.
Divorce – The Huffington Post

Need to File for a Divorce!

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Behold, The 12 Laziest Breakups Of All Time

If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that people will do almost anything to avoid an awkward face-to-face breakup.

Below, 12 of the laziest breakups we’ve ever had the displeasure to see. Read ’em and weep.

The status change breakup:

lamebook
Facebook: Making breakups too easy since 2004.

The “Batman”-plagiarized text:


Alfred would be so ashamed.

The Post-it note breakup:


Ripping breakup lines from “Sex and the City” isn’t any better than that “Batman”-inspired business above.

The drive-by-drop-off breakup:


We’ve never wanted to mutter “kids these days” under our breath more than we do right now.

The roadside breakup:

sign
We hesitate to call this a lazy breakup; the guy did have to walk a few steps to post each sign.

The wham-bam-thank-you-m’am breakup:

breakup
One thing is for sure: He or she is not getting a call back.

The bar sign breakup:


Drive by for the divorce, stop in for the conciliatory beer — or eight.

The #TransformationTuesday breakup:


Apparently, this Instagram post was a joke. But you know some 13-year-old punk is going to do this for real one day, thereby bringing shame to his whole family.

The free-pizza-with-breakup breakup:

Best breakup ever!

Lazy, but also pretty darn thoughtful.

The free-cake-with-breakup breakup:


Now you’re just making it hard for us to judge you, lazy dumpers.

The gamer breakup:


Ooh, hittin’ him where it hurts.

The get-the-hint-already breakup:

Breakup texts are inherently lazy. Breakup texts that force your S.O. to solve a puzzle are lazy and cruel.

Just to recap:

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Comedy – The Huffington Post
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