patient

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying she was glad to finally be able to apply her psychiatric training, local child therapist Pamela Thornton expressed her excitement to reporters Friday at the prospect of seeing a patient with actual psychological issues. “It’s thrilling to have a kid in here for once who’s truly suffering from a behavioral disorder that legitimately requires regular therapy sessions,” said Thornton, adding that she was elated at the opportunity to delve into past traumas, evaluate recurring thoughts, and set up a treatment plan for the child who had genuine, clinically diagnosable depression. “This isn’t just some kid who started talking back to his parents or can’t sit still for more than a minute—this one could, in all reality, potentially pose a risk to himself or others. It’s kind of a treat.” Thornton later confirmed to reporters that she still planned on prescribing the same …

The Onion